Lessons from Camp Bear Hug: The Power of Touch and Intimacy

BY ZANE LANDIN

In July, I attended a retreat in Portugal called “Camp Bear Hug,” an event specifically for queer bears (queer men who are chubbier). It was unique compared to many LGBTQ+ events, which can sometimes be oversexualized, and it was the first time I felt comfortable because sex and sexual communication weren’t expected. This event was also a space for body positivity, neutrality, and acceptance. 

There was a workshop where we explored platonic, non-sexual intimacy—where we learned how to show affection in a non-sexual setting positively. This was very beneficial for me to explore what that means for me. I didn’t grow up in a family that often gave hugs—only when we greeted each other—so it was a new phenomenon to me. It made me realize I enjoy the feeling of touch from someone I am close with. A meaningful relationship doesn’t depend only on sexual intimacy. 

There are many ways we can express our affection in a non-sexual manner. Non-sexual intimacy can lead to a greater appreciation and love for our partners. This level of affection is equally important as sex. Based on a recent study, touch may facilitate positive relationship experiences broadly and can support a more connected partnership. Because the participants at the retreat were comfortable exploring regular touch, cuddling, and hugs, I felt closer to them than if we didn’t. This taught me how important being affectionate and non-sexual can be. 

Emotional and sensual intimacy is about people trusting each other to feel seen, share who they are, open up, and experience mental safety. Touch and intimacy lead to an unspeakable bond that is shared between each other. It can help you feel grounded romantically by just staring into each other’s eyes. Silence doesn’t need to be avoided, as those moments can help you feel more present with your partner. While intimacy and sex aren’t dependent on one another, if you don’t explore both, especially in a sexualized culture, it can be easy to engage in sexual activity without intimacy. Sex makes us feel more connected to our partner, but we can feel more connected and build a stronger connection by exploring intimacy before sex. 

We commonly avoid feelings of deep intimacy, whether it be due to a fear of rejection, societal expectations that we, as men, handle everything independently, or the pressure of being “strong.” We also experience a great number of pressures when it comes to sex. We are always expected to be in a sexual mood, and if we aren’t, there is something wrong with us. We are also expected to always perform perfectly and be confident and are expected to initiate, which reinforces gender stereotypes. There is nothing wrong with women initiating intimacy, sex, or being the dominant one. It just depends on what works for your relationship that you decide together. If you rush into sex without taking the time to be intimate, you can lose the opportunity to be vulnerable with each other. 

Moreover, some men are asexual or exist on an asexual spectrum and would prefer to invest in a relationship that is more romantic than sexual. Exploring a level of non-sexual affection can be deeply healthy for a man’s ability to be vulnerable and express himself in ways society doesn’t always encourage. This can be difficult for men and takes time, so partners must be patient and understand the man’s journey in learning to be more emotionally intimate. 

Aside from being connected to your partner more, this type of exploration can give us a sense of security and stability. It can deliver us a consistent source of love and companionship. There are also many mental health benefits it provides during difficult times, like feeling connected, belonging, empowered, and supported. This can help reduce stress levels and feelings of depression and bring more fulfillment to your life.

Non-sexual relationships offer numerous benefits for mental health and wellness. They can provide emotional support during difficult times, increase feelings of belonging and connectedness, and enhance overall life satisfaction. Non-sexual relationships have also been shown to reduce feelings of loneliness and depression, improve self-esteem, and reduce stress levels. These benefits make it clear that non-sexual relationships are an important part of a well-rounded and fulfilling life. 

Touch and non-sexual intimacy can also be shared with friends, as men are often afraid to show this type of affection to each other. When men show affection to each other, they struggle with the fear of being labeled as queer or less manly. There are still many negative stereotypes about being a queer man, as it pertains to being less masculine, which isn’t the case at all. These stereotypes are perpetuated commonly in our society by men and women, especially ones who are straight or cis-gendered. Men showing affection to each other doesn’t make a man less or more manly. I believe when a man can confidently show his friends or family affection, that makes them more masculine. 

Ultimately, every relationship is different, and it is up to you and the people you love to establish these dynamics because non-sexual touching and intimacy can be extended to friends, family, and your partner(s). However, non-sexual touch and vulnerability have many positive benefits and are worth exploring to grow closer with your loved ones. After the retreat, I explored what I learned with my partner, and now I feel even closer to them.