A case for men’s work

Lessons from the Equimundo State of American Men 2023 and The Harvard Study on Adult Development

BY JOHN FELDKAMP

What does it mean to be a man?

Who do you think of when asked this question? Is being a man inherently tied to strength and domination? Must he always be the smartest in the room? Is his value defined by his utility? His vitality? Must he always have the answers? Is it manly to withhold tears? Does being a man mean severing oneself from humanity, poetry, and emotional expression? Is he the first to sacrifice his body in violent circumstance and the last to do the dishes? Does your definition for man leave room for those who don’t fit within such tight margins? Does it leave room for reality? 

Does this blueprint work? 

Equimundo’s State of American Men 2023 Report testifies that American men are more disconnected, listless, violent, and disenfranchised with society than ever. We are overrepresented as both perpetrators and victims of violence, our wealth is diminishing, and our performance in academia is waning from the high school to graduate school level. We are overwhelming casualties of substance abuse, suicide, and homelessness. Notably, many of these observations are made in isolation. In other words, regardless of the relative success of women, men are failing. Even moreso, those with more economic hardship and less education report the least purpose, social support, optimism, and engagement in community.

There is a growing vitriol, and our younger generations have caught on. In fact, 44% of young men ages 18-23 meet criteria for depressive symptoms and 49% have had suicidal thoughts in the past two weeks. They have inherited a changing social geography with excruciatingly little optimism, one which reckons with a polarizing political landscape. Young men are now seeking answers in the way of online forums and podcasts hosted by prophets of alpha maledom, like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson, as well as militant groups, like the Proud Boys. These opportunistic pundits turn profits from the desperation of a gender foraging for community.

In turn, the incendiary rhetoric spewed by proponents of the manosphere has instilled an antifeminist sentiment in men. The thought of a “replacement theory,” wherein the growing successes of women come at the expense of men, predominates. Though conservative men are more likely to hold these values, there is similar persistence across all political identities of strictly held beliefs regarding gender (e.g “a gay guy is not a real man.”) 

The “man box” has a stranglehold on American men. Perhaps most interesting, the men with the most harmful ideals regarding masculinity report feeling the most purpose in life. This finding is rooted in the presumption that these men likely derive their value from their “manliness.” In fact, men worry more about being accused of abuse and the inability to “speak their minds” than holding their male friends accountable for harassment or giving credit to women in the workplace. Participation in forms of allyship (such as attending a women’s rights rally), even for policies that benefit men (like Movember), is abysmal. 

It is unsurprising, then, that the prevailing issue for American men is connectedness. Between ages 18-45, roughly 1 in 5 men reported having no close relationships, and 2 in 3 young men feel that “nobody really knows me well.” As such, they are sucked into the internet’s infinite expanse to find camaraderie. Herein lies a vast echo chamber that cherishes apathy and offers a resentful promise: You are not alone, and the solution lies within further rejection of society at large. In their alienation, our men turn to coping methods like video games and pornography. Porn, which is shown in this cohort to be both pervasively consumed and ubiquitously difficult to quit, exists within the context of a failing dating scene for men. There has been a dramatic rise in abstinence, a “sex recession” that largely matches the growing discontent with the search for partnership.

Taken together, we find a brewing identity crisis for American men, who either feel antagonized by or wholeheartedly unequipped to grapple with a culture shifting beneath their feet. They see activism as a zero-sum game, and have turned to grandiloquent armchair pseudo-intellectuals who perpetuate an “us versus them” mentality that is ideologically harmful yet strikingly effective in recruitment. Though Equimundo’s report paints a grim picture for men, we also see in it the greatest endorsement in recent history for a call to action. Men are in pain, ensnared in the complex web of a changing society around us, with no guidance. But the biggest takeaway the State of American Men 2023 report has to offer is this: 

men are seeking community.

I believe it can be found in the pursuit of men’s work – a nascent concept that calls men to educate, explore, and engage with other men in the shared vision of challenging the turbulent state of masculinity in our modern world. Though it may feel nebulous as an idea, men’s work is grounded in many practices: reading feminist literature, attending therapy, going on retreats, joining a men’s group, and more. These practices only go so far, though, and so the true manifestation of men’s work is integration through community engagement. Whether it be calling in your friends for fruitful accountability when they make a mistake or fiercely protecting the rights of the women in our lives, men’s work is done any time we defy our social conditioning to create a more inclusive and kind world. We are not here to vilify men, but rather acknowledge our role in resisting the sociobehavioral norms that harm all of us. 

Organizations that employ men’s work exist as a bridge to establishing the types of meaningful relationships that men crave. In fact, Dr. Robert Waldinger’s book The Good Life draws from the Harvard Study on Adult Development, conducted over 80 years with testament to this exact notion. The survey, touted as the longest ever on human happiness, was performed exclusively on men, and empirically reinforces the same sentiment: men who maintained strong and supportive relationships at age 50 were among the healthiest at 80. Socialization was found as a strong deterrent of cognitive decline, and conversely, loneliness is said to be as harmful as smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day. Men's work directly addresses this epidemic of disconnection by fostering spaces where men can forge deep, authentic bonds rooted in trust and mutual growth. 

At Hey Brother Co., we create spaces for men to gather, learn, and reflect as an empowering tool which places the locus of control within our grasp. In both virtual and physical gatherings, we allow men to not only heal but thrive, and build meaningful relationships beyond the paradoxical isolation of a digital age. As much as Equimundo’s State of American Men 2023 describes a bleak trajectory for men, The Good Life is an auspicious reminder that the answer is in connection. That is the mission of Hey Brother Co., and it begins with the simple act of showing up.